Road Trip of the Soul
Confessions of An Overachiever
I would like to take a moment to reflect on some spaces within myself that I have been dancing with the past few months. Like many of you, this year has brought forth tremendous change that has facilitated me in cracking wide open. Throughout this process, my ego has waxed and waned with both resistance and surrender as my old identities and patterns dissolved and the vastness of the Void space enveloped me. The Void is massive – rich, silent, infinite, velvety black – she is the space in the Universal construct where everything and nothing exist simultaneously. (literally the birth space of creation) For months I have felt as though I have been floating unanchored in her vastness the way an astronaut floats in space, and the experience has been tremendously disorienting to my ego.
Change can be scary. Our egos are hard wired to attempt to grab ahold of something solid so as to have a link or identity in this world while providing precious attempts at control. By nature, we humans tend to resist uncertainty while often holding tightly to tethers that may be outdated or no longer serve our highest good. But that can only last so long…
After my initial temper tantrums and thrashing about, I have slowly and clumsily relaxed into the silent spaciousness. This surrender has granted me passage into some of the deepest caverns within my psyche that had, until now, been inaccessible – even in the most profound medicine ceremony. In addition to Seeing my core grid infrastructure, I’ve uncovered long buried archetypical patterns that have dominated my subconscious mind the way they are designed to do. One of the most curious of these energetic ties has been one pertaining to ‘Doing’. You see, I have a loooooong history of overachieving. As far back as I can remember I have always strived to excel, achieve, and conquer. My drive has been fierce and highly encouraged by our societal construct and the people around me. I thought that by doing or achieving enough I would somehow compensate for the truth – which is that buried deep within me resided a deep sense of inadequacy around my true nature and a profound fear of my own power.
Attaching to titles and accomplishing great things had been my ego’s attempt to remedy that uncomfortable knowing. To compensate, I subconsciously serpentined through various genres of life while attempting to fit in or feel good by defining myself through titles: Elite Athlete, Playboy Model, Blockbuster Movie Casting Associate, Paramedic, Wife, Mother, Partner, Medicine Woman, Healer etc… But here’s the gig: every one of those were/has been rich with their own lessons and I’m stoked to have experienced them (I’ve got stories for days) 🙂 – but not a single one came close to filling the cavern from which they were birthed. How could they? That’s not their job. Titles are transient and act as a temporary footing for our ego to feel safe/powerful/accomplished. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, AND understanding the energetics beneath them provides us with CHOICE POINT to bring these currents out of our shadowy subconscious and into our conscious awareness so that we may choose to work with them as opposed to being driven by them.
So… here I am, sitting next to this vast crater at the depths of myself (insert visual of me dangling my legs over the edge and blinking around the dark with a little headlamp on) 🙂 And do you know what? It’s really not that bad down here. Actually – it’s quite a refreshing change. There is NOTHING FOR ME TO DO. There is nowhere to go. Nothing to conquer, change, fix, or heal. I don’t need to strive, push, learn, attain, accomplish, or prove myself. I don’t need to try, to process, to shift, or to morph – I just AM.
Where to from here? I have no idea. I have long surrendered the idea that I know much of anything… and that – from what my intuition tells me – is precisely where the magic happens. Aho.